Being INFJ — Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging

Caring and being shy don’t seem to match. You’d assume that people who care could express themselves in a way that people know that they’re caring. That’s not how it works for me. I feel weird that I seem to understand how others feel yet I get uncomfortable talking to them about it. All throughout my life, I got stuck in friendships where I was pushed aside because I was told I was too much or annoying, so I tended to avoid talking about how I feel. When I came to know other people, I tended to become very extra, loud, and passionate, and no one really expected that. So, I took that to mean that I really truly am an annoying person to deal with. I felt like being subject to “friendships”, where I could only listen and not be heard, not express myself as I wanted to, and just say yes to every request were the ways for me to survive. “I’m sorry” became my go to phrase because there seemed to always be a moment where I had to apologize for being too much or not being what I was expected to be, a silent introverted person with a tendency to want to avoid the world. So, I lived that life of being the silent introvert who only listened and didn’t take the chance to be heard. I had ideas, but who needed them. I had things I wanted to say, but who would want to hear me? So, I stayed in my bubble and avoided trying to make friends. Unfortunately, most of the time when I made friends, it ended up a disaster for me because no one wanted what I wanted. People don’t like talking about their feelings. People don’t like to express love in such an extra way. It got to the point that I felt so disappointed in myself anytime I showed love on social media in a way that didn’t seem fitting to people I considered my friends. Once again, I turned to “I’m sorry” because I felt like the only thing people wanted from me was to be a silent introvert who minded her own business. When I started to explore my ideas, tried to find a deeper sense of meaning, I felt choked for being different than what everyone else wanted me to be. I felt choked that I didn’t get support for trying to figure out who I was. So, once again, I turned to “I’m sorry”. This time, it was I’m sorry for existing. When I thought back on my life, I felt as though the problem in every situation was me. People didn’t want to interact with me. People found me to be exhausting to deal with. When I tried to open up about the feelings inside me, I was shut out by the world. People can write these long sappy posts about how they feel, their struggles, how they got over them, but not me. So, I regretted being me. I kept asking why was I born as I am, being this walking contradiction. Shy yet caring. Passionate yet reserved. Rational yet emotional. I felt pulled in so many directions because there was never a right version of me that the world seemed to want. For a while, I didn’t want me. I went down a destructive path of trying to disassociate from everything I was because very few people seemed to want that. Understanding how others feel is so easy, but it can be so hard to look inside and figure out how you feel. I had friends who tried to help me find that, but ultimately, understanding yourself is something that can only be done alone. I felt scared to face what was inside because seeing how others treated me, I felt like there must’ve been something really bad in there. I felt like I spent all my life running away from the monster inside me because other people made me feel like the thing inside me was too horrible to deal with. I realized I had to separate what people said about me, and who I was inside. I had to stop using my catch-phrase “I’m sorry” because by doing that, I apologized for something I could not control, existing as me. When I looked inside and saw who I was, I saw an intelligent person with a heart as big as the moon who seemed to care about others so much that she forgot there was a person in there who also needed caring for. I never stopped to ask myself the question, “Who am I?” because I didn’t know there was an “I” to even ask about. I never asked myself “How are you” because why would I need to ask that question to someone who isn’t worth time. For someone who has probably spent most of my life living in other people’s shoes, you’d think I could live in my own. It was something I was not used to because I could easily empathize with everyone by seeing it from their point of view, but when I looked into my own life, I tended to only do that through the viewpoint of others. I felt as though my value was only as much as people gave to me. Slowly, I’ve been realizing that it’s not true. I have value to me. I mean something. What matters in the end of the day is using what Allah has given you to be the best person you can be and ultimately please Him. It has been an interesting experience trying to get to know myself because I seem to learn something new every day. I like to cook interesting food. I like to draw. I think nature is pretty cool. Sometimes I even like to write too (I mostly keep that to myself though). I’m still pretty shy though. I don’t like the crowd scene. I will be quite emotional and a bit extra in the caring department if you get to know me more, but that’s alright. I’ll try to take my excitement down a notch. I like to sit and spend time with myself sometimes more than I do with others, and that’s just because I feel most comfortable when I’m alone because I’m sitting down with a pretty awesome person Alhamdulillah. I’m really grateful that I’m on such a wonderful journey learning who I am, and I hope that it continues to allow me to be the best person I can be. One of the things that has resonated with me the most since starting this journey is an excerpt from a poem by Ali ibn Abi Talib, “Your remedy is within you, but you do not sense it. Your sickness is from you, but you do not perceive it. You presume you are a small entity, but within you is enfolded the entire Universe. You are indeed the Evident Book, by whose alphabet the Hidden becomes Manifest. Therefore you have no need to look beyond yourself. What you seek is within you, if only you reflect.” So, get off your phones people and get to know the wonderful person inside. I promise you, you won’t regret it.

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By Anonymous